Hello! My name is Bond, Julie Bond. My favorite food is Dippin’ Dots and in my spare time I decorate lockers. You can usually find me running with my long brown hair or dancing with my arms stretched in the air and my head shaking back and forth towards the ground—my special dance move. On the off day when I’m not running, I’ll be in my convertible blasting Maroon 5’s “Payphone” to bring back the glory days of predicting its popularity. If you want to impress me, be the Mr. Potatohead to my Mrs. Potatohead and swipe right! Give me a call at 1-800-007!
Hola chicos! If you plan to date me, you better be able to keep up; our dates will have to be planned by the minute to fit in my busy schedule. I’d like someone of comparable musical ability, but, since this is almost impossible, I’ll settle for someone with 50% of my ability level so long as they use Purell routinely and are at least 6’ 2”. My ideal mate appreciates my love of feminism, beautiful photographs, and aesthetically-pleasing layouts. Just remember, I am a devout Queen Bey fan, so “If you like it then you better put a [swipe right] on it.”
Aloha! It’s Annika, better known as Dempsey. I’m pretty good at picking up business (ads) for the Tower so I’m pretty good at picking up them dudes too. There has to be good food on our first date in order for me to even consider you for a long-term whatever. When I’m not traveling, you can most likely find me chilling on my huge fuzzy rug with my dog Mushu, my best friend and probably the most important man in my life right now. Ok, I think you know enough about me now to make the monumental decision. Swipe right or don’t.
Hey! I love to read and eat cheese. Reading a book about cheese while eating cheese also works. My ideal date involves consuming large amounts of chocolate while watching films I have already seen. Many people admire my highly adept memory; I can list all the U.S. Presidents and recite all of The Sugarhill Gang’s “Rapper’s Delight.” I can also braid my own hair with my eyes closed in the shape of a heart, hendecagon, and even a Star of David. I am currently working on the triceratops braid, like my favorite dinosaur! I’m looking for someone who has an appetite for intellectual debates and, of course, cheese. Swipe away!
The REAL Nancy Drew. Looking for a petit prince ready to have fun(d)!!! I enjoy scarfing down gyros and dancing along to “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. If you like cheese and/or own a microwave, we probably can’t date. I don’t have a type…but if I did, it would probably be a blond, glasses-wearing trumpet player who swims and buckles his backpack over his chest. But that’s totally general. (My favorite initials are JM. But seriously, anything’s good!) I may look like a good girl, but I do have one naughty secret: I have a tattoo that says “Gundy” in an undisclosed location. Hit me up at my email, [email protected]! See you at Hanukkah!!!
Hey, how you doin’? I’m Janie, a trendy, self-proclaimed fashionista and hipster (remember to give me credit when the songs I listen to become insanely popular a year later!!). Although I participate in every extracurricular you can think of, I also enjoy binge-watching House of Cards and Friends. If I don’t respond right away to a message, no worries—it’s probably because my phone is from 1992. I’d like someone who looks like Andrew Garfield, Zac Efron, Brian Williams or really any other ridiculously attractive male, but if you’re China get with me you’re Ghana wanna be tall, intelligent, and an equally avid Hozier listener.
If you’re not Sean O’Pry, swipe left.
Hey, Emily here! I’m lactose intolerant, but that doesn’t stop me from having a good time! I’m a CPR-certified life guard, but I don’t mind breaking the rules—especially when it comes to dating. My ideal first date would start with a quick trip to the physical therapy office followed by a dinner at Jammin’ Crepes, finishing with a bath in my favorite food: chocolate chips. My tonsils may be gone, but I’m still inflamed—with a desire to be ambidextrous. Maybe you’re the guy who could finally help me reach this goal! Swipe right for a fun time (but, to be clear, only if your last name is Springsteen).
I’m not really 46 years old, but I am the ultimate mom friend. Before you message me, I have a few questions for you: Have you forgotten the Oxford comma in the past 10 years? Is your feminism intersectional? Are you comfortable with me gossiping about you with my best friend and confidante, Lev? Do you believe rainbows go with everything? How many PhDs do you plan to earn? On a related note, have you yet prepared your fifteen-year plan?
Unless your answers to these questions are: no, yes, yes, yes, 4 (or more), and yes, move along.
greetings! i am elizabeth teng: never sarcastic, always correct. i take great pains to maintain my chill lowercase aesthetic. by day, I draw. by night, i draw also. in my spare time, i promote bird rights. i can usually be found #slacktivisting on #tumblr or discussing one of my many #fandoms, #which #include #aos, #spn, and #hp. i am known for my questionable music choices and my on-point cheers and jeers, as well as my sometimes-veganism. i will be such surprise very startle wow that i will give it to you immediately. i’m a cool dad girl, in a cool dad world.