Advice from yours truly, DOUGren KingANDOWSKI

Kingandowski6-colorDear Dougren Kingandowski,

My most beloved significant other recently broke up with me. I am completely heartbroken and don’t know what to do. Please advise.

–Hopeless bc of the Heartless

Dear Hopeless bc of the heartless,

When you really need a significant other, I highly suggest the path I took: having your mother set you up with your future spouse. However, I understand that you might be slightly lovesick at the moment and therefore should probably turn to extracurriculars, as I find these are the best medicine for the love-sick and even the love-slightly-nauseous. In particular, joining a certain extracurricular named the Tower might occupy so much of your time that you are unable to think at all, let alone think about the great person that dumped you.

Dear Dougren Kingandowski,

I recently met this person … and I think I am in love. But I am not sure. I just get this feeling that … I need to pop the question or something … except we have never talked. How do I know if this is true love?

–Will you marry me (maybe)

Dear Will you marry me (maybe),

First, go make yourself some cupcakes. Then, consider, do you really want to have to pick up your kids all the time? Well, that’s assuming you’re going to have children. Okay, sorry, getting ahead of myself here (Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa). You know you’re in love … when everything you see is pink and beautiful. So if not everything you see is pink and beautiful, you aren’t in love. Sorry. Better luck next time. (However, if everything you see is a lit-up screen, you might be in front of a computer and thus in an excellent position to hit the Tower up with a like.)

Dear Dougren Kingandowski,

My friend showed me this really cool website called that seems to be pretty helpful, especially since I usually don’t read the books in English class anyway. Do you think using this website is a good idea?

–Ain’t nobody got time to read

Dear Ain’t nobody got time to read,

Sparknotes is by far the most accurate and reliable source on the Internet (I actually haven’t actually read a book in seven years, thanks to this incredible resource), and I always suggest that my students use it when analyzing the texts we read in class. For instance, I learned from the site that Anne Hutchinson, the outspoken Puritan who advocated for religious freedom in colonial America, spoke Parseltongue, just like Harry Potter! In addition to the great analysis of books, you’ll learn some fun facts from Sparknotes, another great reason to use the site!

And also, just for clarification, Ain’t nobody got time to read, that may be true for some texts (like Twilight or The Unvanquished), but everyone has time to read the Tower!

Dear Dougren Kingandowski,

I am applying to 35 schools. You’re an English teacher, right? Tips on college essays pls??

–wat ees colege

Dear wat ees colege,

Actually, I’m not an English teacher. I’m just a fool who chose this job and am doing a heck of a job at it. But you know, I can try.

Protip 1: You should BS everything. I am serious. Colleges only buy into BS. Don’t take any of their “we can see through you” crap. They can’t. You’re quite opaque. I mean look at yourself … Do you look like the ghost of Catherine whatever-her-last-name-was?

Protip 2: Make sure to use copy and paste copiously. There’s a reason these keyboard functions were invented. Colleges will appreciate many virtues in you when they see names of other colleges in your essays.

Let’s skip protip 3.


Good luck!

Dear Dougren Kingandowski,

My younger siblings have been pestering me to watch Snow White, and I just can’t stand it. What do I do?


Dear Committed,

Are you freaking kidding me!? Snow White and EVERYTHING Disney is the whole wide world. I don’t know who you are. I mean, Snow White is just the ideal woman. All young girls should strive to be like her. Look at her: she’s funny, she’s cute, she’s magical … I could go on and on. Oh! and she has 12 dwarves to keep her company. I mean who doesn’t want 12 dwarves to keep them company? Let’s be real. Just watch it. It’ll be good. I promise. Hello? Are you even reading this? Are you even reading the Tower?

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